{ prima facie } the Temple Law newspaper

By Nicholas Reyes (Temple Law student)

Two months into my law school career, I feel the need to take a step back and look at all of the important things that I have learned so far. By far, the most important thing that I have learned is that the phrase “I go to law school” is the best pickup line ever. It is incredible how easy it is to get the girls interested in you with those five simple words. I provide you with the following exchange that took place in a bar between me and another girl (we’ll call her Agatha):

Ha! You see how easy and effective it is? By far, this is the single most important thing that I have learned in law school (I’m still not quite sure what a tort is – my grandma thought it might have been an abbreviation for tortilla, which sounded better than any of my definitions so I guess that’s as good as any. I’m still waiting for the cooking to start though.) I have been able to visit a wide range of bars in Philadelphia and assure you that regardless of the circumstances, this phrase has proven to be 100% effective. Now when the women actually ask me something about law school, I will have to do the thing I do whenever confronted with a difficult question: faint.

Other than this phrase, I have also learned that I really should have studied more. And by study, I mean looked up the areas of Philadelphia for more than 10 minutes on the Internet late at night this summer. I currently live in Olney right next to Einstein Medical Center. I don’t live in a bad part of town; it’s just better for me if I don’t go out at night. I have to do all of my shopping at Rite-Aid. My walks to and from the subway have allowed me to meet a diverse and wildly entertaining group of people (I’ve been offered live turtles, been cursed in a language I believe to be Swahili, been barked at, asked for drugs, offered drugs, grinded on, and gotten involved in a rap battle – and this was all in one day, I can’t wait for tomorrow!). On the other hand, as I’ve constantly reassured my mom, if I do get mugged, I’ve got a hospital right there – who can beat that convenience? I love my neighborhood, I’m high enough up in the apartment that the gunshots are actually rather soothing, kind of like the light tapping of rain against my windows.

Along with these two important revelations, I have also managed to go to law school for two months, so you must be asking yourself, “Has this guy learned anything?” Rest assured reader, I have learned a great deal of important information – such as how to download Gchat. I have also learned how to make ringtones.

I’m sure there has been plenty of knowledge passed around among my fellow students. At least, I sure see them talking a lot. I overhear all kinds of important things, throwing out words like “memo,” “litigation,” “estoppel,” and “summary judgment.” As far as I can tell, these people are on some kind of drugs.

I have been able to tell my dad that he cannot wiretap my mom. “But what about the federal wiretapping statute exception for spouses?” is my dad’s customary reply. To which I laugh condescendingly and inform him I have written one of these memo things on the subject, that I am in fact, an expert, and that he cannot wiretap his spouse until he has at least 3,000 points on Westlaw, which will also allow him to get a walkie-talkie. I have spent countless hours on Westlaw, clicking on all kinds of interesting buttons, researching cases that have to deal with monkeys, and taking surveys, only to log on the next day and look in horror that I have managed to amass ½ a point.

But I do not lose hope. Those walkie talkies will be mine. I have enlisted a whole team of people to actually go onto Westlaw 24 hours a day and do nothing but accumulate points. At this rate, I will be able to get a TV in the year 2030. I can barely contain my excitement.

Of course, I have been able to learn relevant things in the past two months as well. I have learned about a standard known as the reasonable person standard. I consider myself an expert in this area, which led to the following exchange in the bar between me and another woman (we’ll call her Gertrude):

Again, as you can see, not only have I managed to learn a ton, I have also managed to apply it in real world settings. It’s been a fun two months, and I can’t wait until next semester – that’s when intramural softball finally starts. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to my work for torts. Rumor has it we start cooking next week.